I have been talking about adopting for many years now, I can remember when Jeff would say "I can't imagine loving another child like I love my own". Years went by and I just figured we would probably not move forward in adopting. Earlier in 2010 Jeff had told me that God had given him a verse (Matthew 25:44-45), the disciples are asking Jesus when did they see Him hungry, or sick, or a stranger, etc. and not minister to Him. And He replies "Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me." After that life got busier and I went about my business doing other things and never took the first step to check into it. I kept asking around about the topic but never actually determined in my own heart that this was what we were going to do. Fast forward several months to March 1st, Jeff and I were going out on a date to dinner and to see Hillsong at the Staples Center and while we were at dinner Jeff says he was going to text me during the day but got too busy. He wanted to tell me he felt like the Lord was saying to move forward in the process of adoption. I just looked at him and knew that we had to move and soon, we couldn't keep putting off this step of faith God was calling us to take. So Wednesday, March 9th I called a Christian agency in Temecula to get information on what we should do. I talked for a while to the lady on the phone but the more the conversation went on the more nervous I would get. It is another life we are talking about and who knows what this little life would be like. The next day I had a post women's conference meeting at my house and one of the ladies brought a little girl she was babysitting. After the meeting I was cleaning up the table where the crumbled peanut butter and jelly sandwich was and immediately I had this thought "I don't want to do this anymore... cleaning up messes all the time". It was like a war in my mind, I couldn't believe how selfish the thought was. I never really realized I had such a selfish heart. I mean I have 2 kids already who make messes, why would I care about more messes? The thing that excited me the most, was starting to become anxiety in my heart. I forgot to mention Jeff was gone at the Shepherd's Conference until Friday of that week. That night I had horrible dreams, the ones that when you wake up make you look over your shoulder with every noise you hear. I kept thinking about the adoption and the fear that was in my heart was now beginning to take over my mind. I had text Jeff to ask for prayer and he reminded me to get in the Word, open my Bible and sit and dwell on the promises and truths of God. At that point I felt in a panic, so I did the old "Bible Roulette", you know where you just pick it up and flip to whatever opens first. Well it opened to Ephesians 1 and I started reading. This is what I read: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved." I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me and the fact that at that moment He knew I needed to be reminded that I was also an adopted child of God. God is so faithful to meet us where we are at and gently lead us back to the place of peace.
Last Sunday as I sat in church listening to a great message in 1 Peter 4, our pastor asked us "Are you going to walk in faith or in fear?" The question was loud and clear and I knew that God was asking me the same thing. Tonight Jeff and I are going to finish filling out the packet and I am choosing to believe that my God will provide all that our family needs to walk in His will for us. Whether we will actually add another addition to our family or not, we will choose His ways over ours and rely on His Spirit to work in and through us, whatever the future holds.
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